My Buddy Bullet
Today was a very sad day for me…on a routine walk with my dear buddy a 8.5 lb multi poo…he got hit and killed by a truck heading back to the door…an accident for sure and is was just a bad thing that happened…he was off leash as was the daily morning walk was…Bullet was loved by all,a happy well behaved “little dog” I’ve had him going on 6 years and everyone who knew me would always ask about bullet if he was not with me…Bullet taught me how to love again…when I got him a lot of things in my family where out of control and I made some hard decisions to try to create some stability where I could…things slowly have gotten better and Bullet and I moved on to live by ourselves…my little buddy gave me a sense of not being all alone…I choose to back away from the issues that were tearing my heart apart and had to let things play out as they would…Bullet asked for nothing but love and to be around me all the time…now he is gone and I am so sad…bullet is gone and I am alone again. He was my everyday reminder that I was needed and loved… he helped channel the need for the tuff love to my family…comfort from the breakup with a woman I fell in love with…covid isolation…and so much more…life can bring sadness and death in a split second…even now when things had gotten so much better…I have truly been blessed and have become so thankful for what God has let me become…that I struggle with the why Bullet died…was it punishment for my past sins? Was I a curse to myself that the things that I let myself love to get destroyed? Was I kidding myself that I thought myself a decent human now? That’s where my brain takes me…it had to be something I did…
My faith has stepped in and I prayed to God and asked for him to speak to me…guide me to some resolve…i had been able, with Bullets help, to take a lot more things in stride, drop my expectations of people…I’ve been working on a lot of character defects for the last 21 years of being clean and sober and the most progress it feels has been ever since I began loving something again..that be Bullet!!!!
So gods answer is coming in bits and pieces…much quicker than I anticipated or deserve at least that’s appears to be the case! And I am thankful
Not to revert to my old ways of taking out my sadness or bitterness on others’, just to make myself feel good for a moment… don’t be angry got it GOD…put the love you had for Bullet to something else…perhaps not a living thing but a goal…My Photography and writing …Got it GOD! Don’t change the things you have been working on with others…Don’t use Bullets death to abandon the commitments you made to others the “jobs I created to help others” that I do because it is the right thing to do…Got it GOD I thank you for not letting me stew in my own sadness….Good by… Bullet you were the best…
End of day winding down and I am sad again…my friends have been cool and not overly sad for me which I appreciate…it’s a moment that can not be taken back…going to bury bullet next to spike who was the 1st dog I had gotten he died when we knew he was going to. Expected and I was ready…being taken by surprise sucks…because now the work day is over my night time routine begins only I am alone for the 1st time in many years…Alone for a walk…Eating alone…no playing with Bullet or brushing him…things can change in a split second…my world will be a bit different tomorrow…Good By again little buddy I will miss you…
Been on the recorder to talk my feelings out…that’s been a good way to let my grief out…haven’t listened back yet…going to let it sit awhile…Nash dug Bullets grave for me and planted a tree after I put him to rest…he also suggested we go fishing this weekend…a super cool gesture from my youngest son…it was something we did a lot after his mother left us alone…it made me remember the good times we had…when it was just us two… I’m looking forward to it…Nights and mornings are still a bit rough…and I keep seeing him dead in the street and the shock of it all…but I am slowly replacing that picture of him…with the one of bullet jumping on my leg as we started our day by going for a walk…just a happy dog making me smile by his antics! Think im going to have one more good cry to let my buddy go, Good By Bullet you were the best!!!!!!!!!
