THOUGHTS FROM THE PAST
I found some writing from years past. The piece below was from when I was six or seven years clean and sober and still finding my way in the world. The pressures were piling up! My older kids were going down a dark road, my wife had relapsed, and my job was taking up all my time and energy. I was doubting my ability to keep things on the track I felt they should be on. I was losing faith—fearing that God wasn’t in control, had forgotten me, or was punishing me for lacking faith.
Times were testing me; it wasn’t the first time, and certainly wasn’t the last. Now, 20 years later, as I look back at those thoughts, I see that I still had a bit of growing to do (as is still the case today). Overall, I see that I was still judging the events and people around me. As I pause to see if I have improved, I realize it’s still ‘up for grabs.’
I seem to have moved away from judging and toward expectations—something I am well aware can bring consequences. I’ve moved toward not letting my expectations be fueled by my actions. I’ve set my boundaries and have gotten much better at sticking to them. I’ve learned, once again, that it is not my job to fix things the way I think they should be. However, if you are out of line in a way that affects my life, or are doing something that is just wrong, I will do what I need to do.
To those who ask for my help but don’t live up to their part of the bargain: the deal is off, no matter what. That is a huge step for me. I’m done punishing myself. I have learned to walk away—not to slam the door shut, but to close it firmly and wait for a knock later down the line. As with the world and ourselves, things do change!
After I woke up to the reality that my life had come to a crossroads, I called out to Jesus in prison. He answered that prayer—and many others. I cannot deny the existence of God and the Holy Trinity; I was saved, to be sure. I am a far different man today, even from the one God showed mercy upon when I first asked for help.
I was very active in the church and Overcomers Outreach (a Christ-based recovery program) for the first five years after prison. Those were some of the most trying and fulfilling times of my life. There were many struggles and accomplishments in those first two years: getting the kids back, buying a house, and getting off parole. Without faith, I would have given up; I wouldn’t have thought any of it was possible. I pray I will always remain grateful and humble.
I had a difficult time with the church right before I left for Arizona, and again when I returned to California. The hypocrisy and dogma were either more prevalent, or the devil was trying to turn me back. Either way, I moved away from the church, and it has been harder to stay focused on prayer, gratitude, and humility than it was during those first five years.
Lately, I’ve taken small steps to rekindle my faith. I have a daily calendar with Bible verses; I read them and write a prayer on the back. I’ve been saving them to read this month, actually, to reflect on my thoughts on God during the first part of this year. I have been diligent; the prayers come easily and with deep feeling. But that is the only Bible reading I am doing steadily.
I feel the need to do more. I believe in the church—or at least the congregation of faith in one place—to open my heart and mind so I can find a balance with Him. So, that is where I will begin: looking for a smaller, non-denominational church. I may go back to Sunrise, the Rock, or Calvary Chapel… but not the one in SB! I have issues with their bathroom rules! (It’s true, lol). The gist of the matter is that I want to let God play a bigger role in my life, and I am open to wherever that leads.
